When Nothing Is Seriously Wrong, But Something Is Missing - Couples Therapy

Myles Doyle - MTD Psychotherapy

*3 min read*

Many couples reach a point where nothing is obviously wrong with their relationship.

There has been no affair. No major betrayal. No single crisis that explains why things feel different.

Life continues. The children get where they need to go. Work gets done. Bills are paid. Decisions are made together. You may still laugh, socialise, take holidays and care deeply about one another.

And yet one partner begins to wonder: **I love the life we've built — but I want more for us.**

The relationship hasn't failed. In many ways, it may be working extremely well. But somewhere among work, children, finances and the responsibilities of everyday life, being a couple can gradually become more about managing life together than enjoying life together.

When most conversations become logistical

Think about some of the conversations you've had with your partner this week.

Who is collecting the children? What time will you be home? Did that bill get paid? What are we doing at the weekend? Who needs the car?

These conversations are important. They are part of building and maintaining a life together.

But when they begin to dominate, there can be less space for the conversations that bring joy.

The conversations where you discover what your partner is thinking. Where you laugh about something ridiculous. Where you disagree and enjoy the difference. Where you notice again the eccentricities that once fascinated or amused you.

Affection and physical intimacy may become less frequent too, not necessarily because attraction has disappeared, but because so much of the relationship's energy is being used elsewhere.

The room in the relationship you visit less often

I sometimes think of a relationship as a house having different rooms.

Some are incredibly busy. The family room, the work room, the financial room where people are running in and out of them all day.

But there is another room.

It is the part of the relationship where there is curiosity about one another, admiration, playfulness, affection and deeper conversation. It is where the relationship itself has space to develop and grow.

That room hasn't necessarily disappeared. You may simply be entering it less and less.

You don't need to wait until something is seriously wrong

Couples therapy is often associated with relationships in crisis.

As a result, people can believe they need a sufficiently serious "problem" before considering it. You don't.

Couples therapy can also be for two people who love one another, function well together and have built a good life, but recognise that an important part of their relationship is receiving less attention.

It provides a neutral space away from the normal demands of family life; there is no school run to organise, work problem to solve or household job demanding attention.

The relationship and the therapists are the room - that means there is undisturbed focus.

Each partner gets an opportunity to understand themselves within the relationship, become curious about the other person and the impacts of their history.

The aim does is to create more space for joy, excitement, affection, admiration and the pleasure of being a couple alongside the practical partnership you already have.

How do you bring up couples therapy?

Sometimes one person notices the change before the other.

If you are the person considering couples therapy, telling your partner that *"we need therapy"* can understandably sound as though you are announcing that something is seriously wrong.

It may be more helpful to explain what you hope the two of you could gain from it.

You might say:

*"I don't think our relationship is failing. I think we're actually very good at running our lives together. I'd just like us to have some space that's about us, rather than everything we have to get done."*

That is a very different invitation.

What you can do

If you have found yourself wondering why a relationship that works reasonably well no longer feels quite as fulfilling as it once did, you don't have to wait for a crisis before giving it some attention.

Sometimes nothing needs to be rescued. There simply needs to be more room again for the part of the relationship that belongs to the two of you.

MTD Psychotherapy provides couples counselling in Co. Meath and online across Ireland. If you would like to explore whether couples therapy might be helpful for your relationship, a free 15-minute consultation is available to help you decide whether it may be right for you.